Monday, March 26, 2012;
做梦的权利
? 10:18 PM
做梦的权利
今天连续得到两则好消息，心里其实满开心的。我工作上的两位好友终于得到了应得的嘉许，都升了职。我也顺水推舟的要到了免费的午餐。大概三十分钟后，又得到另一则期待已久的喜讯。我刚离职的旧同事怀孕了。
心里真的很感谢主的。
可是和丫头们的嬉笑中却触到了自己的伤口。丫头们开玩笑着说可能明年会一不小心就接到我的喜帖。心里不禁黯然了一下。
第一，能不能再次遇见他，然后相识、相知、相惜。那已经是一个大问题了。好友劝我放弃那个不可能的梦。可是说真要放下，怎么方的下？我还存着有百万分之一可能的可能在等待着。我为别人祈祷的东西和事情已逐一实现。那，我为自己祈祷的呢？像是遥遥无期的感觉。我是不是该就此放弃？
第二，医生今天才刚跟我说因为病情还不稳定。所以化疗的药物还要继续。这种药在服食期间是不能受孕的。也不知道何年何月才能不在吃药。想到这一层，我就不禁想我是不是不该误人子弟？就静静的过一辈子就好了。
总是有种感觉好像要放弃自己做梦的权利。可是心里却还是不甘。我也想找回能做梦的权利。我在公司的通讯网上方着： “Your future is as big as your dreams.”顾名思义，你的未来就如同你做的梦一样大。上帝爸爸，把我做梦的权利还给我吧。
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Saturday, March 10, 2012;
The Love of my Father
? 8:16 PM
The Love of my Father
It's been more than a year since I last written on my spiritual blog. Somehow today I just felt like writing again.
The title happens to be the title of Pastor Kong's sermon last week. But I think I really want to write about the love of my Heavenly Father has for me.
Trials and Challenges
Of course, when we walk with God, our Abba Father, challenges and trials are nothing more natural than like the very breathe we have.
For 3 whole years, it had been very very challenging. From learning of some hidden secret, losing a soul mate, going through sickness, operation, grandma down with cancer etc... None of it had been easy, least to speak that I am taking chemo drug myself.
Countless nights, I would cry when everyone else is asleep at home. No one could understand my pain and what I had gone through the past 3 years.
Grace and Mercy of God
But nonetheless as I face those painful days, God has given me much grace and mercy through it all. Forgiving my initial drifting syndrome for drifting in and out of God's Kingdom as and when I feel like it.
He blessed me in countless ways - give my sickness a cure, prolonging my grandma's life above her prognosis when I told Him I am not ready to lose a close one again so soon, gaining me my boss' favour, blessed the work of my hands, giving me more and more close friends along the years etc...
The Love of the Father
But the tangible feeling of His LOVE came when the past Monday that I had received a terrible news and praise the Lord for His protection and love. Cause it has only to be His love and protection that such a miracle had happened.
I prayed last Sunday, 4 March, for a miracle to happen on 5 March. I thought I was praying for the important presentation I was going to be a part to present. Little did I know, I received a miracle that I would never forget as long as I live.
On 5 March 2012, New Delhi, Haryana, India suffered a 5.2 magnitude earthquake with its epicenter 19km below the surface of the ground. It would be considered a low bed earthquake with a moderate impact. My youngest brother had just left for Haryana, India on 1 March 2012 for his training which is located 100+km away from New Delhi. I was in complete shock and disbelief when I heard the piece of news from my dad.
Tears came streaming down my cheeks uncontrollably. Suddenly, I remembered my brother saying that shall we want to check anything urgently, we can call his camp. My 3rd brother did and praise the Lord we received news that they were not much impacted by the earthquake.
As we were complaining on Friday evening that we had not had any updates from his camp on their safety, we miraculously received a call from my youngest brother who managed to buy a prepaid card finally.
Conclusion
Thinking back on the incident that just happened on Monday, I think it has to just be God and the love of Him as our Father. Who can prevent your loved ones from being harm by natural disaster except Him? He calls me His beloved (a.k.a Amy-beloved in French) and He shows me His love through all my days. He knows that my heart will not be able to take another lost in my life, therefore time and again though ridiculous as my requests seemed to be, yet He granted it time and again.
When I am afraid, He hugs me and tells me that I am safe in His arms. When I cried, He will wipe away those tears gently and reassure me that it is okay.
Who can love me more than my Abba Father in Heaven? I can think of no one.
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Sunday, January 2, 2011;
Wouldn't it be better if we just follow?
? 12:13 AM
This afternoon, I decided to start reading the mountain heaps of books that I have invested in the last 3 years.
I picked up the book that I bought a couple of years ago by Max Lucado titled:
"When God whispers your name".
Well, I bought this book with a reason, cause of its attention-getting title. When I first came to City Harvest, on 2 separate occasions, I heard someone calling my name when there was nobody around. I turned around and saw no one. After that, I realised it was God who was calling me. But I did not answered. So when I saw this book, I thought I should get it. As usual, I would leave it somewhere till I have the time to read it.
Today, I started from the first chapter again. I had a new revelation reading this same old chapter that I read several years ago. The title of the chapter is named : "The Song of the Minstrel".
In this chapter, Max and his wife Denalyn went shopping with his 3 children at an antique shop. All of a sudden, some nice piano music got into his ears and he searched for the source. He saw a girl playing the piano there and to his surprise, that was his girl, Andrea. He thought to himself that perhaps Andrea had gotten the genes from his side of the family. But as he drew closer, he realised that Andre was "playing" a player piano. He saw the delight in her face. She attempted to play "Chopsticks" but ended up playing "The Sound of Music" that couldn't fail.
He concluded that did God not do the same thing for us? He prepared a "player piano" for us to follow. All we have to do is follow and we would not fail.
Sometimes in life, I do go through things that I do not know how to go pass a certain crisis or to do a certain thing well. I always will try to go my own way and try to do certain things. But I simply forgotten the fact or the art of following. God has already planned out a route for us to take that He has blessed the path and prepared the necessities that we need to go through it. All we need to do is just to follow, but our stubborn "sheep" nature will often get us lost.
I pray that from today that I may recognise the voice of my Lord and the hands of my God so that when He stretches it out to lead me, I will just follow :)
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Friday, July 23, 2010;
? 10:23 PM
The Beatitudes Then He lifted up His eyes toward His disciples, and said:
“ Blessed are you poor,
For yours is the kingdom of God.
Blessed are you who hunger now,
For you shall be filled.
Blessed are you who weep now,
For you shall laugh.
Blessed are you when men hate you,
And when they exclude you,
And revile you, and cast out your name as evil,
For the Son of Man’s sake.
Rejoice in that day and leap for joy!
For indeed your reward is great in heaven,
For in like manner their fathers did to the prophets.
Jesus Pronounces Woes“ But woe to you who are rich,
For you have received your consolation.
Woe to you who are full,
For you shall hunger.
Woe to you who laugh now,
For you shall mourn and weep.
Woe to you[a] when all men speak well of you,
For so did their fathers to the false prophets.
Luke 6:20-26
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Thursday, July 22, 2010;
I am a lump of clay in God's hands.
? 9:40 AM
God, I am a lump of clay in Your hands. Mould me in Your way. Do and undo and redo all at Your will till the perfection You intended for me is accomplished. Amen!This is the sudden thought that I had while reading the bible and remembering what Xinjun said about my spiritual growth. She said that it boomed till high and went for a dip and plateaued till now.
All of a sudden, I remembered a sermon that I think was preached by Pastor Kong or Pastor Ulf. It was about an analogy of God is doing pottery and the pots are us. We are initially a lump of clay and God was forming us from water and clay. Some way through God realised that there was an impurity there, He decided to restart again.
It made me realised that I had been hit a reset button by God. My growth rocketed but it won't be steady if I rocketed too fast. He brought me back to ground zero and made me grow bit by bit or even allowing me to plateau to let me see the importance of growing steadily in His Kingdom and my walk with Him.
There is no overnight maturity. Without the necessary experiences, how can maturity come? It is just His way of training me. I thank You Lord and I can proudly say I am ready to step out and start growing again at Your pace now.
I realised that I regained some part of my sanity and spirituality especially with the things I did today and being able to be in sync with the world again. I was very amazed by it.
Finally I have start to step out of my own desert and walk towards the Oasis that God has prepared for me.
Finally.
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Saturday, July 17, 2010;
A new revelation
? 12:38 PM
Yesterday, Pastor Kong preached about the topic on
LOVE.
Pastor Kong preached that there are 4 ways of expressing love in Greek language.
1) Storge (
Love of family)
2) Eros (
Love of passion)
3) Phileo (
Love of friendship)
4) Agape (
Love of total commitment. It can also be interpreted as the love for God.)
His focus was on
Agape the love for God and total commitment and based on
Ephesians 3:18.
"may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height" - Ephesians 3:18 (NKJV)#1 Width of God's Love God is broadminded, welcoming and all accepting.#2 Length of God's Love Your mercy, O LORD, is in the heavens;
Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds.
Your righteousness is like the great mountains;
Your judgments are a great deep;
O LORD, You preserve man and beast.
- Psalm 36:5-6 (NKJV)God is ever loving, everlasting and limitless. He is ever patient and long suffering with us. He loves us so much that He grants every desires of our heart and every prayers of ours even after we pass on from earth.#3 Height of God's Love God wishes for us to be successful and perfect like Him. Therefore He is more interested in our character than giving us instant success.
"Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect." - Matthew 5:48 (NKJV)#4 Depth of God's Love Pastor Kong shared about Lazarus's resurrection. He mentioned that Mary and Martha (Lazarus' sisters) wept all the way from their home to Lazarus' tomb while leading Jesus there. When Jesus asked for Lazarus' tomb, He wept.
Surely He has borne our griefs
And carried our sorrows;
Yet we esteemed Him stricken,
Smitten by God, and afflicted.
But He was wounded for our transgressions,
He was bruised for our iniquities;
The chastisement for our peace was upon Him,
And by His stripes we are healed.
- Isaiah 53:4-5
Jesus cares for us so much that He wants to be a part of our lives. He weeps, when we weep. He smiles when we smile. He is joyful when we are in joy. He loves us even before we learn to love. His heart is broken and aches when we are heartbroken.-----------------------------------------------------------------------
My New RevelationAs I heard the words from Pastor Kong's sermon, a revelation came to me from Heaven. God spoke about an issue in my life. When I pray for a miracle or something in my life, I have forgotten to trust Him with it.
There were a few visions given by God and eventually did not come to pass. God spoke that the reason that it did not come to pass was not that He had not given. I had no faith in Him to receive them.
I had been praying for God to send me someone to love me and for this person to be a faithful servant and man of God. Yes, I prayed for this and cause I was envious of the increasing married young couples around me. I had never experienced eros before. I do not deny that I desire it but I am also fearful of it. I fear of failing in relationships. I fear of rejections. This is because I am never confident about my looks and always thought I am not worthy to be anyone's girlfriend or eventually spouse.
Recently, I had a vision from God about having someone to love me and be with me. There is a clear indication of who this person will be. Yet again, I doubt. I wonder that someone of this good quality, am I truly worthy. Is he truly meant for me? Someone who is fat and not pretty like me. I do not deny I do have talents perhaps even matching his abilities or the potential to match his talents. But my problem is always in doubt of myself and God's ability. But God asked me to trust in Him and His promises today. I decided in my heart in the service that I will stop asking if it is possible or am I worthy kind of questions. I decided to let God take the lead and eventually leading the two of us to one another and falling in love and getting married and having children and serving and loving God together eventually.
God, I pray this day that I may learn to lean of Your power and guidance.
Let me learn to trust in all Your goodness and promises.
Let me grow stronger each day in Your kingdom.
Let me work towards forming a family that You had intended for me.
Let me trust in every vision and dreams that You have put before and in me.
Let me love You each and every breath of my life.
Teach me how to pray and show me of Your way.
Let me be a faithful servant of Yours and be trusting in every word You spoke and will speak to me.
Let me trust in the visions and dreams You had promised to me and will promise to me.
Let me have more of You and less of me.
Let me die to my self and take on Your spirit and live.
Holy Spirit, come into me this day and fill me with faith and hope and love.
Let me learn to trust in God and leave all my fears and failures to Him.
Let me learn to accept shortfalls of men and my self.
Let me not be judgemental and critical.
Let me be loving. Let me be caring.
Let me be patient and long suffering as You did unto me.
Let me be forgiving. Let me be humble and not prideful.
Let me not covet or lust after what is not mine.
Let me be pure and not be sexually immoral before You.
Let me love You. Let me be by Your side.
Let me serve You.
I want to be with You, Lord!
That is my desire and my love and my heart.
Please, don't leave me or ignore me.
Love me, Lord.
Love me more with each increasing day.
I want You, Lord.
I don't want to be separated from You, Lord.
Please grant me all the desires of my heart and let me learn to trust You with every step I take and every move I make.
Make each day be a happy and joyous day in You like how I started out 2.5 years ago.
Let me find back my first love.
Fill my heart.
Fill me with Your presence.
Anoint me!
Let me serve in City Harvest Church whichever ministry you pick for me.
I love You, I love You, I love You! I can't stop loving You, God!
I can't go back to where I used to be, a place without You and Your love.
I can't.
And let me be healthy and blessed and rich and affluent =D
PLEASE let me be in Your presence forever. In Jesus's mighty name I pray and ask for all these from my heart.
AMEN! HALLELUJAH!
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Thursday, July 15, 2010;
Through the blood we can be one...
? 5:27 PM
In the latest album by City Harvest Church named "Reign", there is this song by the name of "Sing". I sort of love the song cause of the lyrics and the way it is sung. The simplest way of telling God we will sing His praises and we will love the Godhead 3-in-1 forever.
Yesterday, I was on my dad's cab on my our way for dinner. I was listening to this song and one part of the lyrics sang: "Through the blood we can be one..." All of a sudden, I had some sort of revelation. Ah... this might not be the usual things I will write of talk about but I feel that I should really document it down. It is more to address to the sisters or female out there.
Something ran across my mind when I was closing my eyes and experiencing the deep emotions of the song. I thought that when woman spill their virgin blood on their marriage bed when they consummate their marriage with their husband, wouldn't that be considered oneness after that as they were once separate bodies but when that act was done after marriage, the once separated body had committed to one another to be one after that and forever. Then it came to my mind that shouldn't all women keep their virginity till they marry their husband. For to me virginity is like a gift to your husband and giving to him is like an act of promise and commitment. Therefore, I felt at that moment that it is truly important for ladies to keep themselves chaste till the time to commit arise through marriage.
Having this revelation is not to judge anybody who isn't a virgin before marriage, I truly say from my heart. But its just a moment of revelation as in this is why we women were always held esteemed for our chastity. It is an act of promise and commitment into oneness.
Amen.
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
